blood, sweat and tears

communication with the outside world.... 20 minutes at a time. i am at a library. we (the 15 or 20 planters) are on our first day off in a town called salmon arm. we stayed in a hotel, which was sweet. even though ryan and i have a mansion of a tent, sometimes sleeping on the floor makes me cranky.

i went to bed in my nice, comfy hotel room at 11:00 while the others went out to party last night. i didn't have the energy.

my cuticles are ripping off. my hands are cut to shit.
every muscle in my body is aching.
i have a sunburn.
i have cried every day since i got here.

i am not sad. not really homesick either. i am here with my boy, with good friends, and people that will soon become good friends.

and i'm in BC!!!

but this work is really hard.

my blood, sweat and tears are going into every piece of toilet paper you use to wipe yer ass.

our cook is phenominal. we eat all we can for breakfast, lunch and dinner. and it's not kd and hot dogs. it's good, nutritious, amazing food.

getting up at 5am every day really sucks.

our campground is beautiful. on the lake. mountains, a beach....

there are a few dogs in camp, and one cat. but she's better behaved than the sass was.

there are so many perks that the hard work almost seems worth it.

ALMOST.

i'm not making any money yet. well, i am making money, but nothing like $250 a day (which some people already are)

i covered camp costs the first day, which i am pretty proud of (i made a whopping $24.50!)

the money will come, i'm sure, if

my body lets me get through this.
if my head lets me get through this.

it's fucked.

this is the weirdest thing i have ever done.

nothin' left to lose

the moment you realize you are truly free, is the moment you take a set of keys off your key ring, and for the first time ever, replace them with nothing.

just an empty miniature barrell of monkeys. hanging on a hook in my parents' kitchen.

because as of now, i am homeless.

home-less

the way i see it, one less thing to worry about. one less thing to have.

nothin' left to lose.

since high school ended, i have moved nine times.

i have had 10 different roommates not including the 40 people i lived with in residence or my parents.

since i started working, i have had 13 jobs. 14 if i count my paper route, more if i count babysitting.

next job on april 21.
next place of residence, a tent somewhere in bc.

"freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose..."

and buddy, that's good enough for me.

great expectations

i once met a stranger halfway across the country. i didn't know what to expect.

'the only way this is going to work is if we go into it without expectations,' he said to me.

i quoted the stranger when speaking to a friend tonight about his apparant fear of dating.

'just ask her for coffee,' i says. 'you don't have to propose to her or anything. just go into the evening without any expectations. that's the only way there's any hope of it working.'

i speak from experience, you see.

in a day and a bit i am flying to the same location to meet the same person. the difference is he is no longer much of a stranger.

though, i reckon, the same rule still applies.

expectations:

sweating in the beautiful beating sun
breaking my wrist
getting totally and utterly ripped (muscles not drunk)
being inspired
making thousands and thousands of dollars
being eaten by a bear
meeting fabulous people
breaking my back
making love after a hard day's work
getting frusterated with present company
swimming in the lake
leaches

all of/none of these things may/may not happen.

my plane might crash on the way there.
i might stop breathing in my sleep.

the only way we're gonna get through this is of we go into it with no expectations.

except for maybe a kiss. (that's both for me, and for my coffee asking friend.) separate kisses, of course . . .

hypocrisy and the true meaning of prententiousness

pretentious.

the word makes me think of a person with a holier-than-thou attitude.

i think of someone who has. who has stuff. and who likes to flaunt it.

a friend of the family just bought a 39 feet 5th wheel (a camper that you drag on the back of your car or truck or whatever.)

3 TV w/cable and dvd players
two queen size beds and a double bed
en suite
motorcycle garage

etc.

it cost $60,000

i haven't seen it, but i'm sure it's lovely.

my mom told me about her friends' new purchase after saying i was weird for not wanting a TV, telling me i was 'different' for actually looking forward to sleeping in a tent and not wearing make up.

but for me, anyone who wouldn't LOVE to sleep in a tent and shower only when necessary, to be far from computers and cable TV (oh, the irony, i know... i am writing this on a computer and in a few short hours will be at work(on a computer) for my last day as somebody who writes (on a computer) about reality TV and designs TV guides(on a computer) is the weirdo!

for me, the thought of dropping $60, 000 on a trailer when i already have a few vehicles, motorcycles, and a nice home with a swimming pool etc., is insane.

who even has $60,000? puleeez just pay off my osap for me. i will be forever grateful.

i look down at people who live their lives in excess.

people who spend paychecks on clothes at aritsia. (i have an outfit from lululemon)

people who kick their feet up while laying on a beach though meters away children are dying in the streets. at night they booze until they vomit because the trip they went on comes with all-inclusive drinks.

sports cars that land them in debt. (have taken many much-appreciated rides in one)

leather couch, massage chair, flat screen TV. (use the massage chair every chance i've had)

stuff.

i don't even know what to say about hollywood.

to me, it is all ignorance. extravagance. it makes me sick.

almost as sick as mushy peas.

so tell me, please, with an attitude like this, who's pretentious?

though i may not be decked out in name-brand clothes, have spent hours on my make up, or flat-ironed my hair every morning for the last three years, who's the snob?

it's hard not to judge. i find myself judging people more and more and more. i like to think i have a pretty 'live and let live' thing going on, but it kinda seems to be 'live like i live.'

pretentious.

the word makes me think of a person with a holier-than-thou attitude.

mushy puke, panic and trees

am i freaking out? you better believe i'm freaking out. just puked up the mashed potatoes and corn and mushy peas i have been reluctant to try since i brought them home from england. they look like puke, so maybe that's what triggered it. that coupled with the thought that my plane to bc takes off in 11 days.

yesterday the fact that i am not packed was funny.

it no longer is.

and the one person who can actually calm me down cannot be reached.

the worry and stress and panic. the paranoia. who needs drugs when your paranoia and schizophrenia and neurosis are as bad as mine?

aside from the mushy peas and the realization that it really is go-time, is this:

Hi Jenn

My name is __________, I will be running the other planting crew for _________ in _________'s camp this summer. He passed along your email and
said you were interested in planting. I have some space on my crew if you
are still interested. You can email me back or give me a call anytime __________.

Thanks, look forward to hearing from you.

received by email at 5:27 pm. tonight. post-mushy peas. post 11-days-to-go-realization.

maybe i don't fully understand... if i am "still interested" he has "some space" on his crew. if i'm still interested.

hmmm, come to think of it, dude, no. i'm not. tomorrow is my last day of work and i have been planning on planting for your company since december and i have a one-way ticket to british columbia in less than two weeks, but naw, i think i'll pass.

i phoned, and though he sounded either stoned or stupid (the reception was bad, i'll give him that) he said it was all good.

i told him i didn't think there was any question of whether or not i was working for the company. i had applied in december. i was hired in february.

this is not the first time this fucking company has been incredibly confused. i'm thinking they don't speak the same language out there in 'da bush.'

it's all "like, you know, whatever dude."

it is as if the tree planting industry is run by a bunch of hippies.

one person's dodge is another's utopia

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
~ John Lennon

i think about this often. not quite as often as that other beatles phrase, but...

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

i agree with lennon. i do. but, like everything, to a point.

but what if you are living so totally in the moment that you make no plans at all? you just coast. you just wait for things to fall in your lap. you wait for opportunity to knock and then can't get yer ass off the couch to open the door. because, yer livin' in the moment, man. just fuckin' lettin' it be...

i bring this up after a conversation with one of my friends about one of my other friends. the friend that everyone has (and we have all been that person at some point in our lives: the friend that is stagnating.) the friend that is feeling sorry for his or herself, yet totally unwilling to do anything about his or her present state.

if you hate your job, find a new one!

i should mention that this was all perfectly acceptable behind-the back-talking. i justify talking behind my friends' backs if it is also something i would say to his or her face (or preferably that i already have said) in this case, it's the latter.

i have probably talked about you behind your back too. but i can almost guarantee, never maliciously, just trying to sort out your life as i somehow recently think i am able to do for everyone but myself. not that my perfect life needs sorting. (note the sarcasm and then dismiss it, 'cause my life really is pretty sweet)

why is that though?

why am i not miserable like many of the people that are surrounding me? i think, i think...

because i have plans.

because i have plans with a certain someone of whom i happen to be very fond? yesh.

to a certain degree. but happiness does not a partner guarentee. as the past has taught me too many times.

i have plans.

plans that involve me getting the fuck out of dodge. wherever dodge happens to be at the moment. right now dodge is orleans. dodge is my desk job. dodge also happens to be ontario and dodge will soon be canada. then dodge will be north america. if all goes as planned.

(because dodge, of course travels around. the moment you realize you are in dodge is the moment you should pack up yer things and hit the road. preferably in a ford. he he. or by foot or train. but never leave dodge in a dodge.)

dodge was once the byward market. dodgy. toronto was dodge, twice. st. catherines was definately dodge. so was orleans when i left after high school.

the glebe was never dodge. no immediacy to get the fuck out. as in, 'get the fuck outta dodge,"

which, btw, according to urbandictionary.com:

To leave somewhere immediately, to evacuate or scram.

"Get the hell out of Dodge" is a reference to Dodge City, Kansas, which was a favorite location for westerns in the early to mid 20th century. Most memorably, the phrase was made famous by the TV show "Gunsmoke," in which villians were often commanded to "get the hell out of Dodge." The phrase took on its current meaning in the 1960s and 70s when teenagers began to use it in its current form.

Awesome. We're done here, so lets get the hell out of dodge!

i have plans.

if life is boring, if you are stuck in a rut, there is no one to blame but yourself. we are very very fortunate. we are employable. anywhere. we are privilaged and white and english and that's the way our cookies crumbled. be thankful that at least you were born and raised in canada. if you can't make that work for you, you might as well just give up breathing.

so yes. let it be. enjoy life for what it is and enjoy the little things and peace and love and all that jazz. but you have to make things happen for yourself. because no one else is going to do it for you.

and yes. i have been preachy with most people in my life. but something happened to me over the last little while (a combination of factors) and i was rejuivinated. after a long period of being brain dead and depressed and STAGNATING. i was that friend.

so, the way i figure it, i am allowed to preach. because i am practicing.

i have plans and i am getting the hell outta dodge.

but please remember-- one person's dodge is another's utopia.

TGFT

so, i'm like, loading all of my new montreal photos from my digi cam on to my laptop (i took a lot of photos, because i like, have a gig memory card). and i'm getting ready to post them onto facebook so everybody can see them and tag them and make funny comments about them.
and my friend sarah (who is not only my facebook friend, but is also on my msn list) instant messages me and it goes down like this:

saraheliza3@yahoo.ca says:

u all ready for Bc yet?

saraheliza3@yahoo.ca says:
get an early start on packing?

on the horizon says:
AHAHAHAH!!!

and then i LOLed.

nope. not all ready for BC yet. not even bloody close. probably should not have gone to montreal and stayed home and 'got myself ready.'

probably should be 'getting myself ready' instead of hunching over the computer like i will have to do at work tomorrow.

sarah and i continued our msn conversation (yes, i'm sure we could have picked up the phone to talk, but then how would i be able to answer facebook tag requests and talk to everyone else that was msning me?)

we thanked the lord for the miracle of the internet.

caitilin is in korea and it costs a lot to call.
sarah's in smiths falls and they don't have phones there.

my mom joined facebook.