re-re-re-repossessed

repo.

short form for reposess. in the treeplanting world, it is shortform for replant. sometimes your trees are shallow. sometimes you have planted them in redrot. there are all kinds of reasons you might be made to repo. the one that hurts the most, however, is the one that most truly reflects the word repo...

the other day i hit my head on a tree. was convinced i had a concussion. after sitting in the truck for an hour, i was tricked into working again. i blame the concussion for the horrible job i did planting the rest of the day. trees, which in this piece of land were supposed to be planted about 2.9 metres away from eachother, somehow got planted like a foot apart. at 4:00, an hour before quitting time, i was told i had to "fix this."

i had to repo. to reposess nearly 1/4 of the trees i had planted the whole day in the beating hot sun with a concussion.

one by one i removed my little trees from the soil and put them back into the sidebags from whence they came.

i truly felt defeated.

searching for soul and soil

weighted down by 250 trees stuffed into bags on my sides, i am sent up a really steep hill covered in death. dead trees, logs, leaves litter the ground. i am expected to plant these 250 trees, and do it quickly. no soil to be seen, just slash. i have to do what they call "skreef" (not sure on the spelling, not sure that it's a real word.) so i skreef, removing the top layer of dead stuff with my boot. when i see something that resembles soil, i slam my little shovel into the ground. instead i hit a rock and the pain vibrates up my left arm. discouraged, an move my gaze a little to the left. more skreefing. soil! i plunge my shovel into the ground with ease. but, this time, i reveal red chunks of a tree that once stood tall. red rot. can't plant in rocks, can't plant in red rot. can't plant. 30 whole seconds has passed by this time, and i am quickly losing money.

sometimes at this point i crouch down in my land and cry.

sometimes at this point i take my shovel and smash it repeatedly on the nearest obstacle. this usually results in injury.

sometimes i take a deep breath and continue searching for a place to plant a tree. 249 to go before my next bag up.

i am on the world's largest rollercaster right now. over the last few weeks i have thought about going home dozens of times.
if i give up, where do i go?

the truth is, home is not ottawa. home is not ontario. home for the time being is in the bush with a bunch of other people who are not at home.

it is though we have all stepped out of time. it passes differently. in the outside world i have been gone not three weeks. for me, it feels like i have been gone months. all that has happened, all the people i have met, all the things i have experienced.

i still have a while to go.

my new home is in a tent on one of the nicest beaches i have ever seen.

blood, sweat and tears

communication with the outside world.... 20 minutes at a time. i am at a library. we (the 15 or 20 planters) are on our first day off in a town called salmon arm. we stayed in a hotel, which was sweet. even though ryan and i have a mansion of a tent, sometimes sleeping on the floor makes me cranky.

i went to bed in my nice, comfy hotel room at 11:00 while the others went out to party last night. i didn't have the energy.

my cuticles are ripping off. my hands are cut to shit.
every muscle in my body is aching.
i have a sunburn.
i have cried every day since i got here.

i am not sad. not really homesick either. i am here with my boy, with good friends, and people that will soon become good friends.

and i'm in BC!!!

but this work is really hard.

my blood, sweat and tears are going into every piece of toilet paper you use to wipe yer ass.

our cook is phenominal. we eat all we can for breakfast, lunch and dinner. and it's not kd and hot dogs. it's good, nutritious, amazing food.

getting up at 5am every day really sucks.

our campground is beautiful. on the lake. mountains, a beach....

there are a few dogs in camp, and one cat. but she's better behaved than the sass was.

there are so many perks that the hard work almost seems worth it.

ALMOST.

i'm not making any money yet. well, i am making money, but nothing like $250 a day (which some people already are)

i covered camp costs the first day, which i am pretty proud of (i made a whopping $24.50!)

the money will come, i'm sure, if

my body lets me get through this.
if my head lets me get through this.

it's fucked.

this is the weirdest thing i have ever done.

nothin' left to lose

the moment you realize you are truly free, is the moment you take a set of keys off your key ring, and for the first time ever, replace them with nothing.

just an empty miniature barrell of monkeys. hanging on a hook in my parents' kitchen.

because as of now, i am homeless.

home-less

the way i see it, one less thing to worry about. one less thing to have.

nothin' left to lose.

since high school ended, i have moved nine times.

i have had 10 different roommates not including the 40 people i lived with in residence or my parents.

since i started working, i have had 13 jobs. 14 if i count my paper route, more if i count babysitting.

next job on april 21.
next place of residence, a tent somewhere in bc.

"freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose..."

and buddy, that's good enough for me.

great expectations

i once met a stranger halfway across the country. i didn't know what to expect.

'the only way this is going to work is if we go into it without expectations,' he said to me.

i quoted the stranger when speaking to a friend tonight about his apparant fear of dating.

'just ask her for coffee,' i says. 'you don't have to propose to her or anything. just go into the evening without any expectations. that's the only way there's any hope of it working.'

i speak from experience, you see.

in a day and a bit i am flying to the same location to meet the same person. the difference is he is no longer much of a stranger.

though, i reckon, the same rule still applies.

expectations:

sweating in the beautiful beating sun
breaking my wrist
getting totally and utterly ripped (muscles not drunk)
being inspired
making thousands and thousands of dollars
being eaten by a bear
meeting fabulous people
breaking my back
making love after a hard day's work
getting frusterated with present company
swimming in the lake
leaches

all of/none of these things may/may not happen.

my plane might crash on the way there.
i might stop breathing in my sleep.

the only way we're gonna get through this is of we go into it with no expectations.

except for maybe a kiss. (that's both for me, and for my coffee asking friend.) separate kisses, of course . . .

hypocrisy and the true meaning of prententiousness

pretentious.

the word makes me think of a person with a holier-than-thou attitude.

i think of someone who has. who has stuff. and who likes to flaunt it.

a friend of the family just bought a 39 feet 5th wheel (a camper that you drag on the back of your car or truck or whatever.)

3 TV w/cable and dvd players
two queen size beds and a double bed
en suite
motorcycle garage

etc.

it cost $60,000

i haven't seen it, but i'm sure it's lovely.

my mom told me about her friends' new purchase after saying i was weird for not wanting a TV, telling me i was 'different' for actually looking forward to sleeping in a tent and not wearing make up.

but for me, anyone who wouldn't LOVE to sleep in a tent and shower only when necessary, to be far from computers and cable TV (oh, the irony, i know... i am writing this on a computer and in a few short hours will be at work(on a computer) for my last day as somebody who writes (on a computer) about reality TV and designs TV guides(on a computer) is the weirdo!

for me, the thought of dropping $60, 000 on a trailer when i already have a few vehicles, motorcycles, and a nice home with a swimming pool etc., is insane.

who even has $60,000? puleeez just pay off my osap for me. i will be forever grateful.

i look down at people who live their lives in excess.

people who spend paychecks on clothes at aritsia. (i have an outfit from lululemon)

people who kick their feet up while laying on a beach though meters away children are dying in the streets. at night they booze until they vomit because the trip they went on comes with all-inclusive drinks.

sports cars that land them in debt. (have taken many much-appreciated rides in one)

leather couch, massage chair, flat screen TV. (use the massage chair every chance i've had)

stuff.

i don't even know what to say about hollywood.

to me, it is all ignorance. extravagance. it makes me sick.

almost as sick as mushy peas.

so tell me, please, with an attitude like this, who's pretentious?

though i may not be decked out in name-brand clothes, have spent hours on my make up, or flat-ironed my hair every morning for the last three years, who's the snob?

it's hard not to judge. i find myself judging people more and more and more. i like to think i have a pretty 'live and let live' thing going on, but it kinda seems to be 'live like i live.'

pretentious.

the word makes me think of a person with a holier-than-thou attitude.

mushy puke, panic and trees

am i freaking out? you better believe i'm freaking out. just puked up the mashed potatoes and corn and mushy peas i have been reluctant to try since i brought them home from england. they look like puke, so maybe that's what triggered it. that coupled with the thought that my plane to bc takes off in 11 days.

yesterday the fact that i am not packed was funny.

it no longer is.

and the one person who can actually calm me down cannot be reached.

the worry and stress and panic. the paranoia. who needs drugs when your paranoia and schizophrenia and neurosis are as bad as mine?

aside from the mushy peas and the realization that it really is go-time, is this:

Hi Jenn

My name is __________, I will be running the other planting crew for _________ in _________'s camp this summer. He passed along your email and
said you were interested in planting. I have some space on my crew if you
are still interested. You can email me back or give me a call anytime __________.

Thanks, look forward to hearing from you.

received by email at 5:27 pm. tonight. post-mushy peas. post 11-days-to-go-realization.

maybe i don't fully understand... if i am "still interested" he has "some space" on his crew. if i'm still interested.

hmmm, come to think of it, dude, no. i'm not. tomorrow is my last day of work and i have been planning on planting for your company since december and i have a one-way ticket to british columbia in less than two weeks, but naw, i think i'll pass.

i phoned, and though he sounded either stoned or stupid (the reception was bad, i'll give him that) he said it was all good.

i told him i didn't think there was any question of whether or not i was working for the company. i had applied in december. i was hired in february.

this is not the first time this fucking company has been incredibly confused. i'm thinking they don't speak the same language out there in 'da bush.'

it's all "like, you know, whatever dude."

it is as if the tree planting industry is run by a bunch of hippies.